Kentucky Derby 2021: Pre-Race Analysis of Competitors and Field
The long road to the Kentucky Derby is finally over, with 40 qualifying races producing a final lineup of 27 competitors. The O-ma’ha stadium will play host this year to the world’s largest and most popular quarter-horse race. A tradition that runs deep and spans generations, the stands are expected to be completely filled as eager fans cheer on their favorite teams.
“It’s an exciting batch of racers, very diverse in terms of their builds and ingenuity”, said Coach Commissioner Lorenze when asked to weigh in. “More than half of the teams this year are racing [in the Derby] for the first time. It’s a high number, but it’s not totally unusual. This isn’t a Sport people stick with for very long. I think it’s the smell that starts to wear on them.”
One such promising rookie is Wallie Armory, racing with Team Despot on their horse I Hate Mondays. “I’m really excited to be here,” he said, “and I’m equally excited about our horse. Some other teams would maybe be nervous to use more than three-quarters horse, but I really think it will hold together.”
This reporter can confirm that their “horsipede-style build” may look unorthodox, but the fluidity with which it moved was truly impressive! Despot is not the only team out to demonstrate that they can think outside the box. We were able to speak briefly with Team Marquess as they were oiling their horse, Exactly The Thing You Would Expect. Their atypical take on the classic “double mechanized centaur” build has caught the attention of professional Coaches intrigued by the horse’s energy. “The volume of the cries is a good sign,” remarked Elder Coach Brindleford, a venerated staple of the Derby. “It means it hurts more. Pain translates to power nine times out of ten. Always remember that, my son.”
The Coaches are, as always, abuzz with discussion about the horses, though not all of it is positive. Drawing significant controversy is Team Landlord with their entrant horse Haute Me@, which many have accused of being just the skin and fat of a cart-horse stretched over a 2009 Honda Civic. “It’s absolutely legal, according to the good book!” declared team driver Mallan O’Shanaty as he waved a copy of the Rules Almanac above his head. “Mounts must be composed of at least one-quarter horse, and we’ve got the rest stuffed in the trunk! Foulest stink you can imagine in there, but she made weight!”
Caplan Alphonse, veteran driver for the highly favored Team Dauphin, was clearly not impressed. “It completely violates the spirit of the Derby.” he said while maintaining the team horse Xylophone Etude No.3. “This Sport is meant to be about inventiveness and hard work, not finding cheap loopholes and slapping around horse flesh.” Team Dauphin is once again using a variation on their patented “mare-and-colt motivated” build, which won them the crown in 2011.
The race will begin at 17:02 sharp on Julay 21st, with the annual Feast of Spare Cuts BBQ following at 17:44. Betting closes two hours following the race, so gamblers are encouraged to prepare their house deeds or firstborns and sharpen their Arm-Or-Leg saws the night before. As always, "Volunteers” are needed to help deliver hooves and bones to the Waiting Mouth. Interested applicants of a strong will may inquire about joining by throwing a brick with their contact details through the correct window.
-Suuper Sport Now!, by Sam “The Flick” Flickering