First Humane Humanitarian Restaurant to Open Its Doors

by Eldelm M'Ledle

GRAND KISTOURO— In an announcement eagerly awaited by scores of humanitarians, Tommy Sangre, founder of The Hankering Hound, informed locals on Sunday that the restaurant would have its grand opening later this week. While there are many venues that offer long pork dishes on their menus, The Hankering Hound is marketing itself as the first humane-only restaurant available to the public. Included on the menu are items such as “Slow-Cooked Shoulder Stew” and “Thigh Bourguignon,” among numerous others.

“We only use the highest quality meats,” Sangre told reporters. “Ethically sourced, too. That’s always important. Our livestock is all free ranged - they go their whole lives doing whatever they please, and don’t even realize what’s going on until they’re on the plate. None of that cage nonsense you’ll see those big chains pulling.”

Grand Kistouro native, Irene Stumpp, is only one of many humanitarians thrilled to visit The Hankering Hound for the first time. “It’s always been such a pain to get anything that fit my diet,” she complained. “Every time I go out to try and eat somewhere nice, it seems like there’s nothing for me to get but a glass of water. And even if they say they’re offering humanitarian options on the menu, sometimes they just end up bringing out pork and think that I won’t notice. Can you believe it? It’s such a relief to know I’ll be able to eat somewhere without worrying about all that for once.”

The Hankering Hound is slated to open this Thursday, and reservations have already been filled for up to a week in advance.