By Ari Audné, Celebrity Watche
SPORT allstar and Bay Area bae, Archie Ellis, could be seen showing off his hot, shredded body on Beach Boulevard this past Saturday. Onlookers ogled the toned legs and ripped chest as he paraded it shamelessly down the street at sunset. After all the time and effort poured into preparing for this moment, who could blame him? It looked great, and nobody could fault him for taking the moment to soak in the crowd’s reactions to his epic win.
He was hounded by paparazzi, but this reporter managed to catch up with him later that night for the inside scoop. We met back at his place with the FringePress squad to discuss all the sweet deets.
When asked about the biggest factor in attaining such a lofty goal, he replied, “I think it’s all about motivation, you know? When you’re fueled by that kind of honor-avenging bloodlust, it just sort of comes naturally.” Ellis would not disclose further details of his training strategy, but dropped hints that keeping a good relationship with patrons was key. “It’s all about who’s sponsoring who,” he said, raising a hand skyward. “When you’re out for military conquest, you know, Athena can really step in when it counts.”
Though Ellis was tight-lipped regarding the finer points, the spear protruding from the corpse of his slain victim (left in, even as he dragged it through the dust behind his chariot, trailing so, so, so much blood through the streets,) speaks volumes for Ellis’ success! The body in question was, unfortunately, no longer in photograph-ready shape by the time our team arrived. Having been denied burial and instead left to be devoured by the dogs and vultures in the street, the corpse of the Trojan hometown hero, Hector, was scarcely recognizable as any more than a pile of uncured meat-product.
Clips of the incident have been uploaded to multiple Media Websites, many catching the memorable quote, “This one’s for my boy, Patroclus!” being shouted as the gore was smeared into the gutters.
I know this reporter will be buying that when it comes out on a T-shirt!